Mixed Bag

I can't tell you how I feel right now. I don't know.

The days are slipping by me. Sometimes it seems they are going fast. Sometimes it seems that each day is an eternity.

Each day brings me closer to my husband.

AND

Each day brings me closer to the five day drive that causes me much terror.

AND

Each day leaves me with less time to pack and get all the errands done that I need to do before leaving.

The stress of the the last two years is still weighing heavily on me. My grief still feels as full and intense as it did the first week after Mom died. My ache for my husband hasn't changed.

Sometimes I want to run ahead singing with my head thrown back and my arms out--my husband is coming home!

Other times I want to go to bed until a few days after he's back--sleep through the trip back, the packing, the unpacking, the anxiety.

And yes I am anxious. I'm anxious about us coming together again. I'm anxious about learning how to be a two-parent family. I'm anxious that I won't keep my sense about me so as to not overwhelm husband with my hearts ahces and pains just as he returns home in desperate need of rest. I'm anxious that I'll forget that for a while things need to be about him... because ME has really been screaming to be heard.

So I am a jumbled up mess. Mostly I just want to get through these next few weeks as quickly as possible. I want to be in his arms. I want a taste of some sort of 'normal.'

And I want my family to be able to rest. For just a while. Just rest.