Numb...

One of my primary coping mechanisms when husband is gone is self-induced numbness. When he leaves, for the first week or two I feel a constant ache--as though I have a gaping wound and my whole body is consumed with feeling it. Soon after that though numbness sets in. The ache is still there but it's anethesetized with a terrible thing--willfully forgetting what it's like to live as husband and wife.

It's difficult to describe the feeling of having that constant ache and numbness at the same time. It's hard to explain what it's like to remember and to fully be "Wife" to my husband even while part of me 'forgets' what our togetherness is like. It's a paradox, I guess.

I don't mean that I stop thinking of myself as a wife. I still feel every bit as married when my husband is gone. But I purposely forget what it feels like to be held, to kiss him, to lay next to him in the morning, to thoroughly empty myself by pouring out my thoughts and my heart to him. I forget what it's like to giggle ourselves silly before going to sleep, or what it feels like to stand and soak into one of his hugs.

It's a miserable thing really. Occasionally, I'll stop myself and want to remember... What does it feel like to touch him. What does his skin feel like? What do his arms feel like around me?

And I can't remember...

The numbness helps me cope, but it can also be terribly lonely. It's dreadful sometimes to feel that I have forgotten, if only temporarily, pieces of life with my husband.

It's a high price to pay to cope....

But I haven't found any better way yet.

I can't wait for the day when I no longer need memories because my husband is there in front of me. My nerves will awaken with an explosion of feeling, and once again I'll be in his arms.

I long for the exquisite feeling of feeling.