Finishing the Race

*For the record, I should really be doing my before bed cleaning.... but I'd rather blog*

As I stated in the last post, I've been struggling a lot lately with everything. As I look at the calendar each day I'm, quite frankly, overwhelmed. The first thing I see of course is, "We're getting closer to husband being back!" Then I also see that feeling of 'it's getting down to crunch time on getting things packed and ready to leave.' I see that we're getting closer to a five day car trip that I'm frankly terrified about (Thank God my Dad is going to caravan with us, but it's still VERY daunting). We're getting closer to me having to move into our new house by myself, and get things set up as much as possible with a baby to take care of as well. These are all tasks that scare me. I feel so much more confidant when husband is by my side, but without him, I'm just scared.

Part of me wants to just curl up and hide. Part of me doesn't really believe that we're getting near the end and that I'll actually be seeing him again. Part of me is afraid of even that. Will things feel the same? Will I crumble all over him? Will we have a small respite from life difficulties or is there another crisis just around the corner? Will we readjust? Will I know how to let him help again? What challenges will we have in renegotiating our marriage roles?

Sometimes it feels like I just can't keep putting one foot in front of the other tp do what needs done to even get there. Some days it feels like too much, and I resent the fact that I have to.

I was feeling all of this and more this morning when I sent husband a quick email saying as much. Normally I wouldn't send him an email that focused on how discouraged I was, but something in me--maybe selfishness, I'm not sure--wanted to share it with him.

Afterwards, I went and did my run/walk on the treadmill and came back upstairs and checked my email, hoping to see a message from him even though it was the wrong time of day. What was there instead was a devotional that I subscribe to but rarely read. For some reason, this morning I decided to read it.

It centered around this verse: "Not that I have already obtained this or have already reached the goal; but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Beloved, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 3:12-14

Reading it, I chafed against it a bit. There are some things (like dealing with my Mom's death) that I just don't feel ready to leave behind.

But the commentary attached put things in a new light. The author, Father Pat Umberger, spoke about the last leg of a race. He said that it's at the moment when the finish line is in sight that the body, the spirit, your courage, the will to go on is put to the ultimate test. You have to keep going, keep pushing to cross the finish line.

I realized that that's where I am right now. I can see the end of this deployment. And everything in me is being pushed to the outer extremes. It is normal, ok even, for me to feel what I'm feeling, but it is essential that I keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The grace of God will help me do that. It will help give me the courage. It will infuse me with His strengh when I'm out of my own. I know this.

And in a few short weeks (God willing), this fight to push on... this anxiety and fear... this faltering of courage (or maybe it's a gathering of it) will all be but a memory. My husband will be in my arms. We will be setting into our new home. And a new season--one with weather I can't foresee--will have begun for us.

I will push on. I want to cross that finish line.

And the push to cross it will give me a fuller understanding of the push that I need to give in the ultimate race of our faith.

One foot... in front of the other...