Missing My Confidante

One of the hardest parts of this deployment has been missing my confidante.

We were very lucky that for husband's unexpected 'on land' time, we had very regular phone calls. And I do count my blessings and know how lucky we were for that rare availability.

However... When your husband is in a combat zone and you only have thirty minutes to talk to him, you censor quite a bit of your conversation. You just can't get into the depths of your heart, soul, and emotions with only ten minutes before the grumpy and somewhat scary sounding phone monitor yells, "TIME!!!!"

As I said elsewhere, my Mom died in July. My husband was out on a detachment when things really started getting bad, and he was able to get home to see her the night before she died. He left for 'the big one' only a month later.

I can honestly say that the last year and a half has been the hardest season of my life to date. And in the last year of dealing with it, my husband has been gone more than he has been home. My husband is my safe place. He is the one person I feel secure telling the worst of my thoughts to. He is my safe place to feel the tough feelings. He is my support when I need to be real, but am afraid to.

And he's gone...

I didn't realize how truly 'one' we had become until I started trying to feel things without him. I find that I can't. I can't let myself get too fully into them, because I don't want to feel them alone.

Husband lost his father suddenly our freshman year of college. It shook him to the core. In this journey, I've looked to him for guidance and for the support of one who has been there.

But he's gone...

My Mom has been gone for six months now. It still feels just as fresh as it did a week after she died. I want to ask my husband if that's normal and to talk it all through with him.

But he's gone...

I miss him. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm just going to spill so emotion and thought and pent-up feeling all over him when he gets home. I just know I need him.