Conversations of the Heart

When husband was gone there were nights that I lay in bed needing to cry, needing to share the hugeness of what seemed to be swallowing me whole--the sorrow and stress and difficulty that seemed so overwhelming that I couldn't even acknowledge it... there were nights that I just longed to not be so full of me and my thoughts with no place to pour them.

The first few weeks he was home--I'd even say the first couple of months--there was this quiet, subtle, dissonant clash. It was the sound of two sets of six months of difficulty and hardship that weren't shared but happened in the context of a marriage, crashing together. It was hard to share. It was hard to relearn our language of talking about the really big stuff. It was hard to regain the courage to share the internal, after six months of sharing with no one.

In the last few days I have realized that the dissonance is beginning to cease.... and our marital harmonies are coming back together.

It's been a hard few weeks. A close friend of ours is dying, and it is to that backdrop that I am finally beginning to deal with my own grief. But now, I'm not dealing with it alone.

We've spoken of heavy things lately. Husband has been so patient as I bring up more and more and more. But in that heaviness, I've felt our hearts connect. We've spoken and been heard. We've shared griefs and sorrows. We've laughed and laughed and laughed. We've discovered the language of our marriage anew.

It hasn't been easy getting back to this point. It's heart-breaking to feel at times like such a stranger to your own spouse. But as we relearn our language that speaks from one heart to the other, maybe we develop it even more fully.

Most of all, I am happy to have this man beside me. This man who is my true compliment and confidante, this man who sees me naked emotionally, physically, spiritually and helps me to learn the freedom of being so and not being afraid or ashamed.